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Bipolar personality emergency

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It all started on 6th January 2014,my first day on WordPress.I had said no to medicines since March 2012 and two years later almost same time I was put for just 5 days on severely strong medications due to stress, I thought I could manage on my own and pain which was unbearable.The need to do all things myself and have everything perfect was my cobweb and after repeated warnings and signals about my closed ones telling me I was on the edge,I gave all of them a deaf ear.There were many factors that aggravated my bipolar like my husband travelling for 5 days a week for his work schedules,my father-in-laws prostrate cancer surgery,my kids final exams,our 18th anniversary,my blog and last but not the least my pms and over sensitive stomach and back aches.I was very reckless while dealing with my own body in the past and thought it’s always supported me in thick and thin.Now that I’m 38 I realised I’m not getting any younger.

Due to the articles I wrote,I use to be awake late night and my sleep had vanished.I felt responsible for my kids,my home and my family during the day time.All this created a lot of pain in me and my confusions started.I wanted to be there for everyone without telling them I was suffering inside.Too many thoughts in my mind and excessive talking made my husband realise I needed help.He started counselling me,telling me to organise my time and get my biological factors right.I behaved rude with him and everyone who tried to help me telling them they don’t understand what I’m going through.It was the last straw that broke the camels back, when I was struck with a water infection,migraine and high blood pressure.I then knew I was sick as I had severe diarrhoea and vomiting,food was impossible to get into my system.More than a week I lived on water,fruit juices and curd with minimum to eat that too home made vegetarian food.I was stubborn as I dint want to take medications which from past two years were invisible.Since something had to be done my husband took me to a local doctor to cure my viral infection, and then to my psychiatrist.He explained the whole concept to me very well and I was convinced with the medications.

Had taken medicines for long years so was also little skeptical and tried seeing the side effects on google.It was a waste as my husband rightly said “extra analysis leads to paralysis”! I’m feeling completely good and healthy again,as this Friday my verdict to stop medicines or taper them gradually will be out! Was always called a sleeping beauty all my life so my inner instincts are kept positive by myself.I would love to thank once again my whole family and friends for their unconditional support. Would also like to thank all my amazing friends here on WordPress and twitter who were a part of my confusions and silliness.I feel blessed to have support from places which I never expected ever.

Bipolar personality disorder is an illness of the mind.We need to be the ruler of our minds and not slaves to it.Due to medications drinking ample of water and liquids is essential.Bipolar is like diabetes or blood pressure and one must never ignore medications.Going to a counsellor for venting out feelings on a regular basis is very helpful.I personally feel life is too beautiful to love, and a waste of time to hate.

Human pain

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Being a bipolar always wondered bleeding pain is greater or the unseen pain.We have a personality disorder but only rage gets the devil out in us,our good one inside puts the fortunate ones in a dilemma!! Socially we are loud though behave our selfs until triggered.The trigger not necessarily be a logical one.That one trigger is enough for all are past good deeds forgotten,the bad intensity is so high,I really don’t blame them.Our pain is then given different names like being narcissist, addicted,vindictive,egoistic,moody,self-centred,crazy,insane,attention seeker,etc etc.Pain is pain,and we feel it too,while in rage it’s unattended,but the after effects are a torture.A severe throbbing headache and palpitation.Then with medication comes the pain of self pity,obesity,fear,anxiety,feeling groggy and incompetence.For many of us it’s also getting deprived of love.

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Being a bipolar makes us different,a double me that we are.Our heart cries out to people who we see suffering.We emphasise with their pain as it is very visible and looks red.Be it a small scratch,a bleeding wound,an operation,diabetes,cholesterol,cancer,tumour,surgery of all types etc etc.I have been from donkey’s years in a thought process about am I supposed to feel sad for myself or sad for the person I see suffering physically.Medications are a part and parcel of both pains.Makes me sad to see people having to shut their taste buds,follow the do’s and Don’t in their diets.Never till today came to a conclusion.Feared always if I do so I’ll be known as someone who’s flattering her illness.

The above words are totally my thoughts.After reading this post, I would definitely appreciate any positive comments from my viewers irrespective of your age ( above 18) or your illness or the totally blessed ones who are fortunate and have never experienced any pain.

Reminder

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During the worst 13 years that I suffered with my bp2,I with hurting my loved ones mentally also hurt myself physically multiple times.The reason was clear,I wanted to gain sympathy and attention from them and in a way wanted to confuse them to rethink their stern decisions they had planned for me,a rehab. Due to the illness I use to become a monster and do wicked things during my rage, by crossing the zenith of humanity.By the time the medicines could penetrate and supplement my chemical imbalance,I use to undergo fear and guilt for what I had caused.That allowed me to punish my own self,and the sight of red gave me pleasure.I remember so clearly the mess my family use to undergo due to my self hurting.I was anyways suffering physically and mentally,but my whole family that included my parents side and my in-laws were shaken up and were unable to perform the act of normalcy in their respective fields.My behaviour was very upsetting to them as they felt helpless in seeing their efforts going in vane.

In 2011 even GOD felt pity for my pain and my family sufferings and let a miracle happen in the disguise of my own willingness to fight my own mind and radiated me with strengths unlimited.My strength gave me the willpower to quit medicines and tackle my mind rationally.It wasn’t easy at all the first few months as I encountered memory blocks and had become like a new born baby.Basic chores like driving,cooking,being social and computer networking were a task to me in which I had to recheck again and again with my loved ones.I was confused between which was the actual me,the one that lived because of medicines or the one which is living without medicines.As time has it’s own ways of unfolding mysteries I was contented with the new me.My scars,some visible and some hidden had an option to undergo surgery and disappear,but I choose to keep them to remind me never to fall prey to my past mind.