Tag Archives: faith

The gut feeling

Always forever in two minds are we

Eager for the answers we already know

Over thinking and over reacting to the no

Prolonging and yearning for the set direction

Confused and hyper are the feelings

Why ask when the gut has already answered

Human nature is so filled with worries

Why can't we relax and answer in a trice

Have faith in him and trust your instincts

Your shadow is the only one

 

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When there’s a will GOD guides the way

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1993 it was love at first sight for me.Cast differences,immaturity on my behalf,just left convent school and felt like a free bird in a coed college.Met my now husband through a common friend and then all that followed was one perfect being deeply in love with a surprised bipolar personality( that’s me).We continued our true love for three long beautiful years convincing and trying to elope if given a deaf ear.Out love was pure and so in 1996 we got traditionally married and became man and woman.Was beautiful for the first year as we created our bundle of joy,our daughter in 1997.Yes those days people were not so career oriented and though both our family’s were not very well to do we all had one thing in common “love and unity”.Postpartum depression hit my already existing bipolar.Needless to explain the pain,sufferings and helplessness in the whole family.Things got a little settled inside me due to the 6 shock treatments that were prescribed by my physiatrist.I was 23 then,when the urge to make my family complete started bothering only me.My hubby and our whole family was against it as they were told another delivery would make me land into an asylum!!!

It was my deep desire and strong faith in GOD that I delivered a pre-matured baby boy in the seventh month.Weak and tiny was our son due to the heavy medications I had taken.He was born at 1:04 and for three minutes the doctors and me didn’t hear his crying.Thanks to science they injected him and got him into this world.It was my faith in GOD and I knew it.When he was 24 days old he had already been pricked 19 times due to his two repeated febrile seizures.Looking at his pain made me forget my own bipolar pain.His first word was out when he was 4.Speech therapy and again my faith in GOD made our son the most cleverest handsome hunk.My bipolar was a member too while both our kids were growing.

Today we are proud parents of a beautiful 16 year old daughter and a normal speaking 13 year old taller than his own parents son!!! When I look back into our family history,I have just a few regrets about some of our family members taking their voyage to heaven and a little regrets for our family’s helplessness.All this only strengthens my faith in him and I know deep beneath bad times are over!!!

Selfless love

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I am the blessed and fortunate one to have the best mother,though difficulties in life forced me to wonder if my mom could have the same thought about me.As a child I was very sweet,stubborn,demanding and difficult to please,but since I was my mothers daughter she too possessed almost the same qualities but in the positive matured ways.She was sweeter than me,never ever gave up on me,demanded that I possess more of good emotions being lenient and though in difficulties pleased me with all that I demanded.I was clearly a troubled child and my mom was warned that by my paediatric at the age when I was seven.Due to the stigma then and her fight with her life, I wasn’t shown to a psychiatrist.

Today I’m a proud mother of a daughter.I call her my mirror image.While giving her birth I was hit by postpartum psychosis.Needless to mention,I was a mother in disguise of a monster.I always for more than 14 years of her innocent days made her feel guilty of her existence and the prime reason of my miseries.As GOD has it’s own ways of dealing,my husband was the balance and support of both mother and daughter.Faith having its own mood swings favoured me and while it was not too late let me improve my relation with my daughter.Me being in guilt for my monster mother ways,made the best of what was offered by our faith.It was a 360 degree change for my daughter to realise and absorb her newly found mother,but faith had to prove itself and again today I’m blessed like my own mother.To all my daughters teenager problems I have the best experience and my own mothers will and strengths while dealing with her.I would love to boast just one solution I give my daughter when sometimes her grades suffer due to her age,I tell her it’s you who have to be someone talented and career oriented to sustain in your life,I’m a mother and my love will not increase or decrease with your fluctuating grades.I will always forever love you.

The ship~ I trusted always

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Friends are faiths mercy to us
To prove its innocence
Faith names it luck
I’m fortunate I’m blessed with it
Luck has it’s own conditions of hard work
My faith wasn’t in favour of me
I started believing luck
Luck appreciated me
Favoured me a ride in its ship
The ride is until death do us apart
We are travellers with our flaws
Let the titanic sink
My friends will be a part

Confessions

This is what I want to tell my family here freshly pressed from my heart.Its 3 in the morning and I went against my hubby’s wish to get me some sleep.I told him it’s come to my heart and the need to publish it is now,maybe good sleep won’t let me relate to my virtual family.Today I’m healed but still my heart is were I was once.My heart has so much to say,as it’s my bday today,past bdays have created insomnia today,I gained my strengths but my being is still an ingredient of impulsiveness,being frank and I don’t care what you feel.Obviously I could not say this to anyone being sane as they would have suggested me to sleep or maybe take a sleeping pill.So I thought of my this family.I have 17 long years to share with you all,but my other priorities in life keep me away.I started blogging with the clear idea of helping the ones who are suffering my past,but got confused with the methods of awards,freshly pressed,and fame and followers.Many suggested to market my blog,and help it grow.I listened to all but my heart told me if my intentions are true my strengths will glow and radiate to people in need.

I agree I’m a bit out of control with my emotions but when have people really understood us,being our worst jails us and being our best silences them.One bad makes them judge us and the thousand goods are then forgotten.Never felt at home with normal people as I found them too boring and committed to life.Unlike us they are blessed with lesser energy,thoughts,feelings and the need to express.I was told to make my blog more interesting for normal people who are not bipolar,I answered them then what is the sense of my “about me”,and maybe I’ll be of some help to them incase their near and dear ones are suffering.One of my longest blogs as I don’t know where to stop but I won’t forget to leave my strengths:

1) While in it don’t avoid medications
2) Be bold and tell them,don’t let it build
3) Try avoiding overeating
4) Consume lot of liquids as medicines dry your mouth
5) Give sleep your first priority
6) Talk a lot with people you are comfortable with
7) Respect your heart when it warns you about your upcoming rage
8) Try not hurting yourself physically
9) Don’t hesitate to ask more questions to your counsellors
10) Avoid liquor during medications
11) Try avoiding arguments
12) Give a hearing to your loved ones

My fairys

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Wine and dine it’s party time
Bad days are gone good days are here
Believe me please they are not my moods
You lost your age while I was in rage
Today I’m not a sage but indebted to you
You lived to give me strengths
I’ll live in proving you right
Nothing compares your pain
Cause you had a choice
Love me or hate me
I’ll forever be nice
My mirror reminds me
My face is mine because of your time
Make me your slave but have faith in me
This time I won’t let you down